The Offspring
by NippleFest
Summary: Sanji? SANJI? KISAME HAS A SON CALLED SANJI? With who? Zetsu? WTF IS THIS? KISAMEEEEEEEEEE!
1. Chapter 1

Kisame said "Hi."

Itachi looked sullenly at Kisame.

Suddenly, the smile disappeared off Kisame's face.

"What's wrong... Itachi?" he asked, with a little of fear in his tone.

"Kisame... I have found out... You have a son."

Kisame turned bluer than a man being hanged.

"A son? A SONNN? ! ! ! !111"

"YES, STFU would you," said Itachi.

"How is this possible?" He asked with rage "I never done it since... Oh."

He remembered, his past love, Zetsu, whom had both genitalia.

Ten years ago, when he was formally in the hidden mist village, he had seen him, bathing by the waterfall and speaking aloud the word "Tobi".

He walked over to him, slowly and said "Hello there, my name is Kisame, pleased to meet you" offering his hand.

The man turned and said "I know who you are Kisame, You sexy blue hunk of mofo."

And they did it right under the waterfall.

Kisame came back into the present from Itachi throwing a book at his face.

"You must find your son...Sanji."

Kisame gasped, he loved that name, his son must be over ten now, he wanted to see him.

"I'm going to see my son... Don't come with me."

And he ran out, into the night.

* * *

Kisame had been travelling for days now, his destination... the hidden mist.

Kisame thought what his son would look like, perhaps a dashing looker like his father, or as beautiful as his… other father.

But then he remembered.

He could never be with Zetsu again, for he had a new love, Tobi.

Suddenly a kunai flew out of the tree, Kisame was quick enough to shield himself, but another person came from behind.

"Ouch!" Kisame cried, he had been stabbed.

He felt the world fading, "I'M NEVER GOING TO FIND MY SON," He roared, "SANJIIIIIIIIIIII! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !"

That was the last thing he said... before drifting into unconsciousness.

He woke up, his body ached, but to his surprise, he had been bandaged.

"Itachi.. is that you? He asked the air as he heard a noise.

"No," a figure replied, "It is I, your son, SANJI."


	2. Chapter 2

"It is I, your son, SANJI."

Kisame gasped, he had finally seen his son.

He wanted to reach Sanji, and hug him for this was their first meeting.

He tried to get up but because he was stupid enough to get stabbed he fell limp on the floor like a fish.

His son rushed over to his side to aid, "please, don't move father…"

His son looked like someone that I cannot describe, Kisame looked in awe.

His faceeeeee, HIS FACEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! ! ! !.

His face looked so much like Zetsu's, and for a moment grief passed over him.

"What is wrong father, are you not happy to see me?"

"It is not that, I was thinking about... Zetsu... how is your other father?"

"Father left me years ago, I was forced to fend for myself, he said he had to leave for business." Sanji gazed deeply into Kisame's similar eyes.

"But you... why did you leave me...," SANJI ROARED WITH RAGE, "I DONT EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !"

Sanji ran out of the cave, footsteps echoing.

But for Kisame, he could not move, for he was an idiot.

* * *

Days later when Kisame had recovered, he set out, to find his son, Sanji... . . . . . . . . .. again.

Kisame knew that it was unlikely that his son would be anywhere near him, so he intended to go to the hidden mist.

He stopped for a second, thinking about how such a fool he was, his only chance at finding his son….. And he blew it.

He sat that in the lonely bar, drinking his sorrows away.

The bartender looked at him, "rough day?"

Kisame looked up and the man screamed as he realised that this was the traitor, the one who had killed the royal family... HE MUST **DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! ! ! !**

**"ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" **the bartender screamed as he charged for Kisame.

A Huge grin appeared on Kisame's face, what a fool he thought to himself as he reached for Samehada.

"Uh- oh."

He didn't have Samehada.

He shielded himself with his arms as the man rampaged towards him with the beer glass.

There was silence... as there was a loud thud... and the sound of someone collapsing to the floor.

"I've always hoped my dad was a badass." Sanji said as he pulled the beer glass out of the bartender.

"FUUUUUUUUUU-" THE BARTENDER MOANED.


	3. Chapter 3

"OKMG UR AWESOME" Kisame screamed with passion at his son, Sanji.

"BRB, Going on Neopets" Sanji said as he whipped out a laptop.

"What's ur username?" Said Kisame.

"My username is Sanjiisawesome123" said Sanji.

"Mine's " said Kisame.

"Let's be friends" said Sanji.

"Sure" said Kisame.

"Wow, you have been member for over 456 months" said Sanji.

"OMGG IKR, I'm great" said Kisame.

And they both bonded whilst feeding Jubjubs.

* * *

"Hey DADDDDD whats ur nameee?" said Sanji.

"It's dad" said dad.

"Your fish is pullin' at your line" said Sanji.

"Oh crap"

And they both enjoyed a father-son bonding time fishing in the sea.

* * *

"Dad?"

"Yes, son?"

"Can I have a tattoo?"

"No."

* * *

"Hey Dad?"

"Yes Son?"

"I herd guys from school. What does masterbation mean?"

"...It is a herd of horses."

"Cool.. can I have a masterbation for christmas?"

"You can have it anytime son"

* * *

"Hey son?"

"Yes, dad?"

"It's time for the talk."

"What's the talk Dad?"

"..."

* * *

"Hey Dad?"

"Yes, Son?"

"How many girlfriends you had?"

"..."

* * *

"Hey Son?"

"Yes, Dad?"

"How do you think I'd look with ginger hair?"

"You'd look mighty fineee" said Sanji.

* * *

"OI DAD"

"WHAT"

"LEMMI JOIN UR ORGANIZATION"

AND THIS IS WHEN KISAME'S HELL BEGAN.

TO BE CONTINUED . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .LOLZ


	4. Chapter 4

"Can I join Dad?" Sanji asked with glee. Kisame looked at the ground nervously, contemplating whether to allow his son to join this party of criminals. He did not want his son to be tainted like him. Not once.

"NO!" Kisame roared and stamped his foot into the mud. Sanji looked at him for a moment in fear, and then anger was shown in his eyes.

"Why not? I have no future in the village, I am-"

"I will not hear any of this!" Kisame was infuriated. Why did his son want to be bad?

Sanji frowned, "I am joining and you cannot stop me!" He disappeared.

"SANJI!"" Kisame screamed. It was going to be a long night.


	5. Chapter 5

It was a sunny day and Sanji ran into the hideout of the akatsuki because he just knew where it was.

"What the fuck are you doing here boy!" Itachi roared, very much in character, "Kisame is searching for you."

Sanji looked at Itachi sullenly, "I must join this organisation. I must be with my father, Kisame!"

Itachi's eyes narrowed, "You can't sunny jim boy."

"WHY NOT! ! ! ! ! ! 1 1"

"You are carrying the 100 tailed beast deep within you."

Sanji stared at the man in disbelief and as a wave of nausea washed over him, he puked his morning breakfast over Itachi's feet, a bacon sandvich.

Itachi twitched with disgust before raging at the boy to get out of there.

Sanji panics and runs for his dear life towards salvation (the exit )

Suddenly, unpredictably, in the blink of an eye, out of nowhere, unexpectedly, without warning, abruptly, and all that shit, the leader appeared and halted Sanji's actions.

"Where do you think you're going, boy?" Pein questioned without emotion because he was an emo bastard.

"Who are you, Oh no, Oh snap! " Sanji blabbered like a fish, because everything is similar to a fish in this fic.

"I am the leader of this organisation and you are our prey."

An evil smile twitched at Pein's lips.

"Let's get this show on the road."


	6. Chapter 6

Pein glanced at Itachi's sweating face.

"What are you so nervous about, Itachi?"

Itachi responded silently while watching Sanji's hands being bound by a big rod.

"I'm waiting for an answer, boy."

Itachi looked up to Pein and smiled weakly and nodded weakly. Pein looked at him suspiciously but then turned back to Sanji.

"I cannot believe that there is a 100 tailed beast, this is a big shock."

"…Yes," Itachi replied. Sanji looked up at Itachi, he sensed that this man knew his father.

"We must call the other members. Get ready Itachi, if the two tailed took 3 days then this is going to take 2*50=100, 3*50=150 days to extract the beast. With this power, we can destroy the world, we will no longer need to search for the other tailed beasts."

Itachi gulped down some phlegm and turned away from Pein and Sanji.

"Where are you going?" Pein asked weakly.

"I'm going to find Kisame… to tell him about a 100 tailed beast being found."

Sanji perked up at this but was promptly knocked out from blood loss by his hands being penetrated by the big rod.

"Good, I expect to see you soon, I haven't seen Kisame in a while, I have no idea where he is… you aren't hiding anything from me are you, Itachi?"

"no" and Itachi ran off like a fish.


	7. Chapter 7

Itachi ran and he was a sensor like that Karin, so he could detect Kisame from miles away.

He ended up in the Hidden Mist infront of Kisame, who was in the local brothel. What he found wasn't a suprise. Kisame was making out with a shark, presumably from the near by fish tank. He was also getting pissed off sea water, crying and telling the shark of his troubles.

Suddenly, he peed ammonia out of his gills, and because he wasn't in water, he killed the shark. It was poisonous.

"What's wrong?" Itachi asked.

"You've let yourself go." Itachi said.

"Even though it's only been a day," Itachi said, "You've gotten fat."

"Pull yourself togethe-"

"MY SON DOESN'T LOVE ME!111"

Itachi bitchslapped him.

"PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!11" ITACHI ROARED.

"Why? WHY!? LIFE ISN'T WORTH LIVING ANYMORE." Kisame whispered.

Itachi was silent … … . . . not.

"Kisame, Pein has your son, SANJI."

Kisame gasped with fear.

"Sanji has the 100 tailed beast within him, you must go rescue your son, SANJI!" Itachi said.

"OMG." Kisame panicked and roared.

Kisame ran out of the brothel impulsively before being manhandled by a security guard. Kisame stared at him before punching him in the face. Itachi, who followed Kisame's lead, stared down the security camera.

"That's Kisame!" Itachi shrugged.

Canned laughter erupted from the dead shark.

Claps were heard as everyone watched Kisame run off into the sunset.

* * *

The rest of the organisation had successfully gathered to the hideout, but now they were just waiting on Itachi and Kisame. Pein's patience was now being tested so was contemplating on beginning without them.

"You gonna die." Pein said to Sanji

Sanji looked sad.

"But let's order a take-away first, if this is gonna take like 100 days."

Silence.

"Chinese." Pein said.

"No, Indian." Sasori said.

"KFC, un." Deidara's hands said.

"What the hell is a KFC?" Konan asked.

"Oh yeah, it doesn't exist." said Deidara.

"We're getting the cheapest." said Kakuzu.

"LET'S GET SUSHI, FUCK YEAH." whispered Hidan.

"Too expensive, brat." Kakuzu said.

"Kisame would be pissed." Konan replied.

Everyone looked at each other and nodded.

"Well I'm going out then."

And Pein left the hideout in the blink of an eye.

* * *

Nagato just sat there. Sat there with his skinny ribs.

Then Pein entered.

" I need a cheeseburger." said Nagato.

Pein handed him a list to write what to eat. They spend a good solid hour of writing everyone's damands. This was enough time for Kisame to arrive before they begin the extraction.

Or was it?

Will Kisame make it in time before the delivery man arrives?


End file.
